i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
