three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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