I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I AM VODKA MAN
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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