And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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