watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
