i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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