just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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