I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
