I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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