You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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