This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh god it's open bar.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
