if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
