What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this boner is exhausting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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