I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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