Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
