You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
