he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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