Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
