White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
