***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
