mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
