We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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