she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
His nipple licking is glorious
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