TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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