Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
