listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
