i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
