walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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