My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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