i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
