Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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