Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
