my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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