I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
