The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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