dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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