Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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