Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
