Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
