The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
