I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
