She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She's the barista slut.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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