The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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