Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize