you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
