I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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