you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
