Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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