I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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