1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
