Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize