Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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