Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
do nipples grow back?
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