she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
