So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
