For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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