discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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